[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*limbos away from your hug*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[eulogy]
line?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*