Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task