* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
You Might Also Like
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?