Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
some cats are just doing for fun!
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree