Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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Spring of Deception
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef