What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.