Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I have so many questions.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
how long have you had this for?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.