*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Woke up against my better judgment again
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
This headline is a thing of beauty
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
How to draw a duck
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.