After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you