Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
You Might Also Like
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.