Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
cause of death:
autopsy.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.