[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.