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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments