All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
A classic…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
When libraries troll their patrons.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
🖤✌🏽
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.