I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Hmmmmm
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.