DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.