The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.