bad news gang
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[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
me as a parent
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment