The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
let me get this straightβ¦ your last 2 wives βaccidentallyβ got their heads chopped off
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Ohhh so you donβt hate peaches. You just hate peaches that arenβt on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: βApply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.β
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Iβll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
When my first baby was born, we didnβt have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?