chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Wednesday
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Yup!
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset