God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?