This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Breaking news:
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you