*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
You Might Also Like
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS