you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
apparently this year was written by stephen king
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?