I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
You Might Also Like
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Happy birthday to all the women
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention