Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
You Might Also Like
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax