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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me trying to look natural in photos
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less