Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.