Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
a fate I wish upon no one
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people