Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Happens to everyone.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby