If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.