Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I feel attacked.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name