As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what鈥檚 wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
i bet there鈥檚 a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
listen closely
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Love this one 馃槀馃
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it鈥檚 always good to preorder.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I鈥檝e never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don鈥檛 have room in the car.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??