My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.