“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
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I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Ape together strong
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
bro what is going on at twitter