MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles