My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
You Might Also Like
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
How do dragons blow out candles?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible