Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
absolute chaos
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.