if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Inside you there are two wolves
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off