Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
that de-escalated quickly
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time