“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
You Might Also Like
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.