“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
OH. COME. ON.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!