– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Trumpy Cat
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?