[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
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chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Ferrari squats
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.