i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
You Might Also Like
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Effort made
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”