I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Am I having a stroke?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.