You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Just had my nails done!