A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying