I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory