Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button